Troubled by the plethora of revisionist science suggesting whales are bigamists, Harpoon referred to a higher authority. In a paper by Greenpeace scientists entitled "Are whales 'almost human'?", it clearly states that on reaching maturity a whale "finally chooses a partner for life".
Hopes high, Harpoon's managing editor Georg Blichfeldt took a Norwegian television crew from TV2 to visit marine biologist Paul Horsman aboard the Greenpeace vessel Sirius (see "A 'Scientific' Debate"). Blichfeldt's report was not as positive as it might have been. It seems, for example, that not all whales find significant others, and even those that do, don't marry them as such, but "re-meet" them - whatever that means.
Family Values
But aside from the immorality of bigamy, the shortage of adoption programs for
unwanted whales, the drain on public funds, the rise in dolphin violence ... Aside
from all this, do the family values of whales really matter? Very much so, says
Tim Birkhead of BBC Wildlife (February 1995). "If anything can be guaranteed to
give us a soft spot for a particular animal species, it's hearing that 'they mate for
life'," writes Birkhead. But in the very next line he reveals his true colours: "Well,
they might put up a good front, but there are more things going on in the bushes
than your biology textbooks told you about."
In Birkhead's view, most animals pursue one of two options: monogamy, or polygamy. Polygamy, it turns out, is the animal equivalent of bigamy, and can be subdivided into two even harder words: polygyny (one male, multiple females) and polyandry (the reverse).
Among the rare species in which monogamy is practiced he cites such household names as the aquatic warbler, the clown shrimp and the harlequin frog. Yet even these species are poor champions of the institution of marriage. Apparently the chances of a male encountering a female in breeding condition are so low, he just hangs onto one until she is ready, and even then he will play around given a chance. Except for the harlequin frog, that is, which sits resolutely on the female's back for three straight months - hardly a sharing relationship. So God never meant frogs to inherit his kingdom. But what about mammals?
Mainly polygynists, says Birkhead, proposing some tenuous explanation that has to do with the fact that as only females lactate, males cannot feed offspring. In the few mammal species that do practice monogamy, he contends, the male has a clearly identifiable role in bringing up the young.
And what species might they be? Whales perhaps? Well, there's the California mouse, the African hunting dog, the wolf and the silver-backed jackal. There's also the Djungarian hamster (pronounced dj:u:nga:rian), a little critter that breeds when temperatures are around -10 C. The newborn young are incapable of maintaining their own body temperature, and the males therefore fill an important role by performing an act known as "neonate cuddling".
Enough of all this blasphemy, thought the Harpoon staffers, and trouped off to catch the next showing of "Free Willy". Warner Brothers had just confirmed in their promotional material that whales are "majestic, gentle, warm-blooded mammals that mate for life." Except for Willy, that is. Willy's never even had a girlfriend.